Friday, May 31, 2013

Alone..but not Really Lonely

It has been awhile.  Huge abdominal surgery on April 9th and still somewhat recovering..not just physically however mentally as well....my 12th ab surgery in 12 years...for stage 4 metastatic leiomyosarcoma.  I am skinny..however you would never know what I have been through.  I am alive...yay!

This has been my longest and most difficult recovery in all of these years....and the most time I have spent very much alone...no pity...I did a lot of it on purpose due the nature of my recovery.  Frankly it was just embarrassing to me to have to run to the restroom every 2 seconds..my digestive system has been a mess.I could not plan very well and I did not feel well...so I occupied myself. I was not in a great mood.

It has been a little weird.  I am not sure whose body I am in :).  I still have eating issues ...so much I can not eat...and I am size 4....I know in Los Angles that sounds wonderful...6 would fine with me :). I can't find the muscles that I used to have.  I believe a little physical therapy is in order.

I am experiencing a few interesting psychological issues...it is crazy (LOL) when you have had cancer for most of these 12 years and kept your sanity throughout for the most part...I feel like I am giving therapy to myself :)...I guess that's what my blog is for me.

A surgery seems to change my entire life and some of those around me every time it happens.  I had recently reconnected with a significant other of many years...one surgery sent him running..it is ok.  I think he is where he is supposed to be....I hope.  I want the best for all of us. 

And I have changed my career goals to not run around as much.  I think the biggest issue I am facing right now is more cancer.  LOL...seriously...the really shitty kind of cancer that really starts to affect you physically.

In 12 years I have always recovered as good as knew almost...and now I really am starting to wonder about my long time future.  I have always lived in the present....and I am for the first time a little nervous about the future...not immediate future...however close enough. 

So I am saying big prayers for everyone I know and myself as this journey continues.  I am excited about a couple of things happening in my advocacy and insurance work.  I do like my work very much.

Now I am starting a new hobby and thinking about some new social activities as well...and life goes on.  You all keep going.  Cancer sucks ...but if you are alive...then we keep living.  It is all precious!  Time for me to go back out and about...before I really do get lonely :)


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Still Here...Just on Sabbatical

As I have been typing for many years I am just re grouping my thoughts before I return and healing from this crazy surgery.  I am doing well.  I will be back soon!  (week or so)

Love and Health....

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Off to Class

I will be taking a class on Obamacare and will let you know what I learn.  The problem is the information probably changes everyday! :)

Intimacy and Illness

Had to add this today.  I know you think I might be talking about sex and illness however I am not.  That is in another post.  I am talking about the intimacy of illness.  It can be more intimate than great sex..like certain kind of hug can be as well.

When you are ill you might be at your worst.  You hair is not quite right (if you have it), you might be having physical issues or just recovering from a surgery and you are not yourself. It is a very special time because you want those folks around you that you are willing to show your real self to.  And sometimes they run because the thought of you being anything other than your healthy self is just too much for them to bare. 

However this time could be looked at in such a different way.  It could be a very special intimate time of loving and learning....not just between couples..it could be be among friends, and other family members.

And yet sometimes they run the other way.  It seems like a practice "run".  They need to live as if you were not here for awhile to practice for the time when you might not really be here.  And isn't that sad for them who run.

If you run you will miss me in maybe some of my best moments because I am still here.  I am still here in a big way.  I feel sorry for you.  I am not angry.  If you run and never learn how to stay and experience the days that will follow for sure you will "practice" your entire life and miss so very much. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Packing and Moving...again

Well it is that time of year and I decided to move closer to my office.  So in the midst of healing from this last surgery I am organizing and packing.  I hate moving only because I go through my things again and again.  It is those memories of the house that I once owned, people and places long gone that I find both heart warming and painful at the same time, to look at. Those feelings are palpable.

I miss feeling "settled" in my space.  Maybe someday ..maybe not...either way I am happy to be here and moving forward..hopefully with a very long break from this disease.

On to summer :)

Follow Your Own Advice

I actually woke up today feeling a bit better and it occurred to me in over 400 posts here that lately I am not following my own advice regarding my healing process.  I am giving myself a break as this has been a bit of a hellish experience however I have been here before and I have had much practice in recovery after almost 12 years of this.

Maybe the more you do this, the harder it is to rally at some points.  That being said time is precious and I will waste no more while I am still here.  So here goes...the real recovery process begins.  I have read enough books, watched enough TV, laughed, cried, screamed, contemplated my navel of which was surgically removed long ago, and I am done wondering about my life.  Doing is best.

So today I will start planning again my future, which seems to change a bit after every surgery.  I just hope this is a long break and they cure this disease before I am interrupted again.

I just read in a journal this morning that said that many cancers are predisposed in your genes.  That does not make this cancer patient very happy at all.  This could mean that there is no escape....or is there???  :)

I hope so.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Waking Up and Falling Asleep

Well this healing process is taking a bit longer than I thought.  I want my body back...the one that can eat almost anything, have a cup of coffee, and not have to go flying at warp speed into the restroom.  I guess things change a little bit when all of your digestive system is taken apart and then put back together.  I am getting way to restless and not patient.  I went on the treadmill today.  That was fun.  I am slowly going through a lot of paperwork and getting back to work.  I do not like being home so much.

My worst times of the day are the moment I wake up in the morning and when I try to fall asleep at night.

In the morning my body is a bit more difficult to deal with.  The split second I open my eyes I am not too comfortable and my mind kicks in....I remember...another surgery...more cancer..what part of me is not working this morning.....what will I do today to occupy myself in a fabulous way...I hope I feel much better today.  Cancer sucks however I am still here...I want to be here in a better way for a long time.

Then at night...My head hits the pillow and my mind wanders to all kinds of places from the past and I wonder about the future.  I keep thinking that I made it through 12 surgeries ...what is one more?  I am here and time will pass and I will feel better...however I still worry.

I love the daytime.