Monday, October 29, 2012

Acknowledgement of Stuff

I am a little hard headed.  I know it....It took me awhile to learn to acknowledge certain aspects of my personality and life in cancer and otherwise.  If you can acknowledge certain facts and feelings...then you can learn to accept.  Acceptance is the gateway to change...if you have long term any disease you have to adapt and change....to grow....and see life in a different way.....and then you might feel better.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Anger In Illness and Life

A friend of mine was talking about anger today so I though that I would put my 2 cents in here concerning just anger in illness/cancer...I will talk about medicare, etc later..this is more thoughtful for a Sunday while I am sipping coffee...

Are you pissed off because you have cancer or whatever?  Of course you are...may be you will not admit it however I know that you are.  Are you pissed off from time to time as a caregiver?  I know you are there as well...even if you will not tell anyone...doing this for over 11 years...can't hide from me...I have been there from time to time...I have been both a patient and a caregiver to my parents and sat with many other cancer patients over the years.

There is so much to be angry about.  Anger in your care...anger at family/friends who are not responding to you the way you would like them to respond....they do not know what to do...they run and hide from you..

I could go on forever however I do not like writing long post so let's deal with the big one...anger at yourself.  You are angry for getting sick in the first place..angry at your body for not working properly...angry when you see money melting away ...angry ...angry...angry...and in anger is just plain being scared...for your loved ones..yourself...and your life as you fight to keep it...

So what to do with all of this anger and fear?  That is the next post...but acknowledgement is the first step.  It's the first step to building a life in cancer...in survivorship and resiliency.


The Presidential Election

Now it is back to business now that scans are over.  Who are you voting for?  No..please do not tell me.  Really who ever wins I will still have to sit outside the White House with my sign.  I have bought a really comfortable chair...maybe I should line it with fake fur and get some water proof stuff in case it rains.  I want to be warm :)...as I could be sitting there forever....and ever....:)...and ever...

I could be sitting there forever because who ever is the next president ...has their hands full when it comes to healthcare.  We as Americans should be protected with insurance....it is a basic right not privilege to have healthcare in America.  The question is how do we do that???  Everyone has very different ideas about that.

The destruction of our healthcare system, much like the national debt did not happen over night.  There is a history of greed and mismanagement over many years.

So what can we the average person do about this?


Friday, October 26, 2012

Wow and Yay!

I had stable scans today...this for sure is a miracle....for me...I have had no chemo...no drugs of any kind..my last surgery was one year ago.  This is the first time in 4 years that I have not had a surgery in a whole year.  I really do not know why....and I do not care.  I am so grateful, humble and happy...

I had one great cry after I was told this news...then I laughed...then I sat in silence for awhile.  Then I called my kids...then everyone else...I am taking a deep breathe and now seriously planning the next 3 months...until I do it all again.

Happy Holidays...Happy New year...Thank You God and whoever else is involved in keeping me healthy and allowing me to continue down this crazy road and really get this new life up and running.  I can feel it coming...a year ago I thought I may have been done.  To all of those struggling...there is always hope and you never know when it is really over...if you can you keep fighting as long as you can.

Things Need to Gel..Not just Fit

I was talking to a very old friend yesterday and this is off topic however every so often I know that he reads here.   We are talking about our lives and how they are going.  He stated that something just fit...so he moved forward.

I thought about it for awhile.  Things are not supposed to just "fit"...they are made to Gel...like when you meet someone...your lives should eventually just be "all over each others lives"...and it should be most of the time easy and comfortable.

They should be like colors mixing together to make a new color. That is how I think it should be.  Nothing should ever just "fit"...

Back on topic tomorrow. :)  We should all look for Gel in our lives.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Real Horror Of Cancer

I have been typing here for a long time..over 400 posts and over 15,000 views...I know not much compared to other sights ...that will change soon...but tonight is just for cancer patients of which I am one.  I hate passionately saying that. I am a cancer patient for 11 years and I get a little nuts at scan time...it becomes hard for me to focus on certain things ...like the future :)...which I normally do so well.

Last night I could have gone out to dinner with 60 new friends...I am so not shy...stick me in a room and I will know everyone by the end of the night...however this time of year I prefer the company of people that know my history....a safe place....just in case...things do not go my way this week.  I went out with old friends where I did not have to explain anything....because fortunately I do not look like or act like my medical history at all.

I have dreams.....dreams of all kinds of career stuff...may be even falling in love one day again...ok...maybe not that ...lol....but maybe ...but not...and that is ok...but maybe...

The real horror of years of cancer is not the actual physical pain ...of which I have had little compared to others I know...it is the emotional/ mental pain that you cause others and yourself...mostly others..like your children, family and friends.  I do not want to give the loves in my life any bad news anymore...at all....Even people I might meet in the future.   In the past there has been enough.

I mentally prepare for the worst ...just in case...believe it or not either way it is a shock....after these every 3 month meetings...I just sit and replay it in my brain for awhile...and then I start to make plans :)...it takes me about an hour to scream with joy in the car while driving...and go for a long hard walk afterwards...then I call people.   And then I realize I will do the same thing 3 months later for the rest of my life...how many MRI's is that in the long run...I guess hundreds :)...maybe thousands :)...one can hope :)...I will never give up.

Come on researchers ...hurry!












Thursday, October 18, 2012

Medicare...step 1

You are researching Medicare.  You are either 65...above....or disabled over 2 years and on Social Security disability.  This post will not recommend any particular plan...it is just a guideline to help you review.  See a professional to help you.  Go to those seminars for information.  Do not sign up after hearing something that sounds good the first time.  Go home and research.

Now you are looking at plans.  They are many choices...which company...then do you pick HMO, POS, PPO and the list goes on.  Companies and plans.

Set aside an hour or more to start reading.  Same at home...if this is too much for you to read at this time...get a family member, friend...someone who understands this info and have he or she sit with you and talk it out.  It is all very confusing...for everyone.  Do not feel bad if it is too much to take in.  There is nothing simple about our medical coverage anymore.  Who ever let this system become so complicated should be forced to use it :)...I am sure they do not....;)  They must be in Congress retiring on full pension for life and 100% covered with their plan. Tomorrow ..or later today...the basics on how to research a plan and company.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Medicare Renewal Time

This is the time of year when you can change your medicare options....the next few posts starting tomorrow will give some ideas on that subject....it is often confusing ...especially going through cancer and wondering if there is anything that you should be changing in your care.

So tune in tomorrow morning for some more healthcare tips....Start reading or go to a medicare insurance professional!  Sit with someone that is willing to explain things....everything to you...if they are in a hurry...walk away...

Write your questions down in advance!  Bring a pen and paper to take notes.  Bring a friend or advocate with you who understands the "talk".

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

How Far Away Can I Run?

I love to travel...however now I would just like to run away and do everything I can before October 25th...this is called scanxiety or fear of your life not moving forward as the oncologist enters the room....after your scans....how fast and how far can I run???

I have been doing this over 11 years so I have been on both the good and bad side of the bar....the feelings do not change as time moves forward.....I so badly want to continue my normal life....even though I have no norm lately...

So I really can not type right now...I am too crazy over these scans...I am busy praying...laughing...and running as far away from those appointments next week as I can get....in every way!

I want these next three months to be mine and not cancer...I am very busy cancer...go away....

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Curing Cancer

There is a very interesting article in this weeks Newsweek about curing cancer and how far away we are from really doing that.  You might want to read it.  Dated Oct1st & 8th. We have much work to do.  The real statistics as follows...

1 in 2 men will develop cancer
1 in 3 women will develop cancer
1 in 4 will die from cancer

Defense spending in the US is $144 Billion
Cancer budget is 5 Billion...

When you donate your money be sure your money is going to the right place. A rated charity?  Do your research.

Cancer comes from the genes and what trips that gene at that moment to start growing abnormal cells...that is the real cure...this research is in its infancy...When I read these articles I realize how much work that we have to do....let's do it.




Friday, October 12, 2012

New York..Life and Scans!

Hi Everyone...There has been much going on ...where to start....This has been a long time of emotional recovery for me and I am doing great...I have have had so much change recently in my relationships, my work, I moved...and my scans are in 10 days.  So a little bit of dealing with the past and getting ready to deal with my future...which I hope will not include any medical procedures :).  Many people that I know for years with Sarcoma have either become very ill or passed away...it goes with the territory.  It is heart wrenching to say the least.  I still get enormous satisfaction helping people...I just wish that they could stay here a bit longer...

I went to New York which was amazing...I lived there from 0 to 18...I was able to spend very special time with old friends...I found those moments of joy that I was looking for...the kind where you have to step back...look around and know what you are experiencing at that moment is so deep...I needed a bit of that.

I was able to forget cancer for awhile and go back to a time when life was a bit more simple...I was able to remember a few things about myself that I needed reminding of...old  friends can help with things like that. :)

And I just love Long Island and New York.  I can not wait to go back.  So on the 25th I see the doc and get the news...is anything new there?  Are all my wonderful plans for patient advocacy on hold?  That e book is on its way...I hope to be late for my own funeral as well....50 years from now ..:)

I am know I am cliche from time to time...no serious post today...in order to recover from the past you must move forward...It is impossible to forget many things however you must forgive...especially yourself and move forward...one day at a time...do new things...meet new people...fight to not just live...but to have a life.




Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Off Blog until End of October

Dear Friends,

I must get my book out...and I am doing some traveling so I am not typing for a few weeks.  I also have scans...wishing you all love and health and I will be back soon!