Tuesday, July 31, 2012

11 years August

I have been dealing with cancer in one form or another for the last 11 years.  11 years ago at this time I was feeling a little bit tired and my stomach was bloated.  I had no pain.  I went to my ob/gyn..who then ordered my very first scan....and there it was...that big lovely first tumor.  I was 44 years old...working out at the gym , taking care of my kids,  newly divorced and all was ok with the world..until that day.

I called my ex husband crying..little did I know that he would pass away of a heart attack  5 years later.  I miss him..he was still my one of my best friends of all time.  He was also a great Dad.

This is no pity party...I have had lots of wonderful things happen in these years as well.  However if anyone would have ever told me that I would have a rare cancer on and off for all of these years...I would say that you are crazy.

amyresiliency blog is on hold due to webmaster issues.  In honor of my cancerversary..tomorrow we will talk about money and illness...and things you need to prepare for...and do.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Relationships with Those Close to You

What kind of person are you?  I have been very fortunate in my life.  I have wonderful friends.  My friends in my life are really my family as I do not have a big family anymore.  I have my daughters..that's wonderful.

However once in awhile...someone just walks away and emotionally I do not understand...I understand logically..not emotionally...I hear this from cancer patients a lot.  How do people do that...where do they get the skills to just walk away...like that person never existed in their lives and never will again?  I have not quite  
figured that out...I never learned how to do that.  I think it takes practice....maybe it was done to them often..or once ...

And folks that say they are going to do something...and they do not ...do it....I do not understand those folks either.  Why am I typing this tonight?  For all of those patients out there...with no patience any longer...you are not alone...I do believe this has happened to every cancer patient in some way...just remember for every person that runs away...more will run to you!  This I know as well. :)

I am in that put myself back together phase again...I am thinking I will finally get to 1 year with no surgeries or chemo...I had 4 years straight of this stuff...a whole year off...wow!  Maybe I will get a few years and really get myself in order :)...and have some peace...and some fun!  Fun!  Hope so ...

Friday, July 27, 2012

Oh Those Olympic Bodies, My Body..Your Body

I am watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.  I keep thinking I should be in bar with tons of people doing this however I am really enjoying the solitude and getting things done.

I look at those bodies ...those healthy gorgeous bodies that work in so many ways.  I was never that fit however I remember when my body did so many more things!  I miss my really healthy body...it used to do so many things...

However I am also grateful...that it does what it has to do and then some :).  I pray it just keeps doing whatever it is doing now.

I am trying not to think of my scans coming up on the first of the month...however training your mind at any given moment only goes so far.

You know the movie called "The Vow"?...the woman has a car accident and forgets a large portion of her life???  There are a few moments I would like to forget...a few months..a couple of years :)...but then you have to forget the good stuff as well...I do not want to do that.

So I am going to dance around my home...do a few back flips...a couple of splits :)...and rejoice over what my body still does...oh and after that maybe a few miles in the pool :).  Oh those swimmers' bodies :)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Plate Theory

This is a very important thing to do...

Go to Costco or Target.  Buy cheap breakable plates.  Be careful driving home.  When you get home make sure your windows are closed so the neighbors do not hear you and call the police.  If you live in an apartment, go to a friend's house where you can make noise.

Carefully take the plates out of their box...you do not want to break them by accident...you want to do this with purpose :)

Pick a great wall.  One at time ...with great force...throw the plate against the wall and scream while doing it...afterwards jump up and down and laugh hard!  The harder the better :).

This movement has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and possibly slow down the growth of sarcomas :)....doing it with a friend is even better.

Lots of love...seriously...try this ...this is also good for other issues besides cancer ...a break up..other illnesses....etc.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Mercury In Retrograde

This post is dedicated to my friend Dr Janet Woods...If you live in Southern California...Janet is someone that you might want to make an appointment to see....she is all things fabulous..google her...

Janet was telling me all about Mercury In Retrograde until August 6th or 7th...and there is something to it ...it seems like everything around me is not happening in time or at all...and things that are not supposed to be happening...are happening....in a good and not so good way...

People seem emotionally charged in a good and bad way...including me...I seem to be torturing myself with visions of the past and the future...only the past we really know ....the future...not so much...:) So I need to let that go.

Dr Janet is always a calming influence in a storm...Thank You...she lets me know that things are never really what they seem to be and reminds me that in a moment ...everything changes.  And of course it does!

I made an appointment for my scans today....August 1st....I get to know what my next three months of my life will be like on August 1st.  This is a crazy way to live.

I have read in Mercury Retrograde that mail disappears...computers can go crazy...important issues in relationships can come to light ....all of this is happening to me...

I pray everyday that my scans are ok....I have a habit of getting sick in the fall or winter...maybe not this year...maybe not at all. :)  I am working on this. :)

My new website is very late ....Mercury Retrograde!   :)  I have a few more posts here to go....

Saturday, July 21, 2012

To Walk in the Eyes of God

I am launching my new blog/website on Tuesday (or so)..and it sounds crazy ...I will miss typing here.  I have so much change all of the time that even changing my blog makes me sad in a very weird way.  I never thought that I would have this much to say and this long to say it...since Sept of 2009.

I never thought that so many wonderful people would be e mailing me and urging me to keep writing...and I never thought that I would be saying hello to many new friends and good bye to so many as well for various reasons....many did pass away.

Those that live with illness everyday, their caregivers, medical folks etc just walk in the eyes of God...all Gods.  You/We/I wake up everyday and do the best we can against so many odds and yet many of us walk around grateful for the day...the hour...the minute...the second...

We dream of living along enough to see kids graduate certain schools...grade school...middle school etc...maybe we dream of seeing them even get married...become grandparents....maybe our child is the patient...that is another whole other story....

People who walk in illness have a heart ache everyday...however the laughter means more and so do the tears....especially the tears of joy.

So as I write my last few posts here I want to say thank you to everyone that has ever read even one post...This blog has kept my sanity for years and I am hoping my new website is another page in my life on the road to some real peace...whatever that is :)....where ever that is...it is never where I think or with who I think it will be....

Tomorrow Survivorship/ Health/ Wellness Expo

Last Call for this fabulous event in Irvine California


Come and join me to celebrate life!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Things That Go Bump In the Night

When you lay down at night what do you do....well of you are a person that has had cancer probably once a week or so you are feeling around your entire body and it is not for fun!  :)

You are looking for bumps...lumps...anything that was not there the day before...and it is ok people to do that....

Doing that has saved my life twice...once with a bump in my armpit and originally with a very hard belly in 2001....keep feeling around...:)..only you know your body ....

If you feel something new...a new bump in the night...make sure you have it checked...quickly.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Change, Change, Cancer ...No Cancer..Change

I am the ultimate person in accepting change...change has become my middle name.  I try and plan...just like everyone says....start with a time schedule...6 months...3 months...one month...etc...the day...I can usually get away with the day ....or even the week. lol...sometimes the month...

August are my scans...yup...three months goes like a supersonic speed of light rocket into the sky and I would like nothing better than for the month of August to stand still...really...really..really still.  I am petrified of the fall season.....leaves are fallen off the tress and will my freedom go with it??

Cause I made plans...big plans...I am moving...my daughter is moving...my other daughter is going back to school..and I have PLANS.  I want to see new friends....very old friends...launch my new business...I have plans...

Then I go lay on that MRI table next month...and I pray ...silently...loudly...with intent...with tears..with anger...with hope...with resiliency...to please God give me more free time without treatment...without surgery....more time with LIFE...to run...to help others...to laugh and sing...to just be...me.

Bring on the change as long as for this 3 months that does not include more cancer......I do believe everyone has a purpose here on earth....I always hope that mine is not done and yours as well...xoxoxo

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Hope..a Poem

This wonderful poem was written by my 14 year old beautiful friend Sisi.  I have known Sisi since she was a baby.  I have the extreme pleasure of watching her grow into the most brilliant young woman.  You go girl!


She is known all over,
Everyone must face her,
She is sought out on the darkest of days,
And is always in reach.

She can be like a warm blanket,
When the rain is pounding,
Or like a guiding star in curls of clouds.

She can be as refreshing as a summer lake,
Or an opened armed hug.

She is like a cold drink on the hottest of days,
Or a pleasurable pile of leaves to jump in.

She is as wanted as the sweet smell of flowers,
and as wanted as a caring family,

Now you may ask, who is she or what is her name?


Notes on Survivorship

I am going to very be blunt here...having had 11 abdominal surgeries in the last 11 years, 2 chest ports, 2 intraperitoneal chemo ports...those are ports in your stomach..a pic line and countless medical issues...it is a lot different surviving cancer once as opposed to many years.

This is not too make light of a first time diagnosis...it is horrible any way that you look at it....the mental adjustment is huge.  There are physical, mental and countless emotional issues to deal with more than I could ever list here in one post.

That is why I organized this event on July 22 nd here in Irvine.  I know of all of these issues.  I am going through a wonderful time of health right now...better than I have been in years...I wanted to put this time to good use...while I am able...however long it lasts...hopefully for a few years...I can do a lot in a few years :)

This event is a once in a lifetime event as it combines everything practical in all areas to promote your well being.  This event is 11 years in the making for me.  It took me a long time to get here.  I would like to help you get there faster.

So please come join me.  We expect a full house so please pre register if you can...I am very thankful to The School of Multi Dimensional Healing Arts and Sciences, Womanology and the Sarcoma Alliance for their sponsorship.

I hate cancer.  However we need to continue to love ourselves while going through it.


My new blog amyresiliencyblog will be launching close to the same time as this event.  Come out and survive and thrive with me.....

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Chemo Brain and Other Life Issues

Chemo brain is scientifically proven...as well as hormonal brain...50's brain...any kind of brain...I am not making fun...maybe making light...:)...I have in the past tried to blow my hair with a hairbrush....it does not work..just in case you did not know that :)...I have looked for my keys while holding them as well as locked them in my car...

I have to check my grammar and spelling before I post this...twice..and there may still be a mistake...thank God for spell check.  I have to repeat the same thing on the computer 3 or 4 times so I actually learn it ...forever...I just learned how to "cut" and "paste"...that is not a hair thing???

I have not started "tweeting" yet or Pintrest...did I spell that right?  It has not made it to spell check...yet..

On the other hand I may forget your name however I never forget everything about you...I remember everything...I have a huge head for numbers when it comes to my work.... and I never forget a password...I just forget to write them down :)...and if I wrote it down...where did I write it???  If I remember it ...why do I have to write it down???

My capacity for understanding immense issues are huge....my problem solving skills..huge however I still make mistakes from time to time.  Mistakes do not bother me like they used to.  They are just mistakes....however sometimes they cost a lot...not to worry...it is nice that I am still here to make them. You are too....

So if you think your brain may not working to its full capacity ...it is...it is just working differently...and you can adapt to however it is working...and do fabulous things....

Make your self busy...the only thing that takes your talents away ....are if you do not use them....I had to read this three times before posting it!!!!  Damn!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

All About Moving

I have moved once a year for the last 4 years.  I believe I have one more move left before I actually "land" somewhere for a long time.  I hope I just stay healthy enough to enjoy all of this movement again....I would like to have that "landing".   Living in Irvine was wonderful....

I am just tired of driving to LA all of the time...so now it is back a little closer.  As usual when moving you are forced to look through your memories and pack. Much of my life is in "storage" at the moment however there are those items that I simply must take with me where ever I go.

Pictures that I never let myself look at for the time being...videos...all kids of stuff that bring wonderful and sad memories streaming through my mind like an old movie..like a lifetime TV movie...:)

And then there are all of the "material items".  I have sold...given away...thrown away ...recycled..so much stuff over the years.  I had so much when I had my house...now I have become a "minimalist".  The less I take care of ...the better...and that is fine.  But sometimes I do miss my old "stuff" and what they represented to me...

It was not that the stuff was important... it is not...they just represented a time of lightheartedness, a deep happiness and extreme joy.  I can be a little unhealthy ...I can deal with that...I am just wondering if I will ever truly experience that extreme, deep, joy again. I am trying...you try with me.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Homeless..not really

My lease is up on my apt the end of this month....Since leaving my house in 2008...I have not really felt at home anywhere...I moved to Irvine last year and it has been wonderful...now I find myself unable to figure out where I would like to have a "home"...where to put those "roots" down so I feel stable..and not move again for maybe years...

And that is a complicated thing for a cancer survivor of 11 years... "Thriver"... like myself...My daughters decided to be out on their own...that is a great thing...I find myself strong and able however I wonder what the year will bring and the last thing I would want deep down is to be a patient again and by myself in my apt. I am a true people person and love the company of others.

11 surgeries...4 chemos...radiation etc etc etc...finances way up and way down..and back up and down have taught me well ...that life is always a big surprise.   You plan and God laughs...

I am happy that stuff that really does bother other people...does not bother me...I am choosing to be "homeless" the month of August...my stuff is in storage and I am going to do a bit of wandering...I will land somewhere in September....just in time for "scans".

I hate cancer...I will say again that I was a strong good person before I ever got this crazy disease...I did not need to learn anything new...I would have rather had a "pass"...:)  However life is what it is and I am lucky to have such fabulous "survival" skills ...and leiomyosarcoma is not going to win...this year :). Not this year.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

9 Months

No...I am not pregnant....lol...I have gone 9 months without a major surgery...I have not done this since 2007...I will make it to one year...watch me...just sayin :)...do not loose hope...keep going..

Run your illness like a business...July is Sarcoma Awareness Month..read my old posts...they are telling...

Cancer Survivorship Expo


Haunted/Purposeful Thoughtfulness

In my new website I am not going to the dark side....It is going to be a big "how to" on all kinds of subjects...very informative I hope.  However I know that going through any long term illness there is always a bit of the dark side..even if we do not share.

My dark side pops up for a little bit late in the evening when I am walking or in the wee hours of the morning...drinking my coffee and typing to you.  Our minds are amazing vehicles...we can not control what pops in ...we can control how long we permit ourselves to think about something and then get rid of it.  Replace the dwelling with purposeful thoughtfulness...I like that ...purposeful thoughtfulness...I practice that everyday.

I hear the voices of those that I no longer see...I can smell the food ...feel the hugs ..see them in all kinds of ways.  I push on in their honor really...I get to be here and they are not so I keep moving forward.

I also keep moving forward because I know that life is always full of surprises and  for me the good always out weighs the bad.  Its just a day and what really is going to present itself we do not know...even when we plan. :)

So do not dwell for more than a few minutes a day ...you can control that...and then pick yourself and keep going...what new adventure are you planning?  What new event will you attend?  What new person will you meet?  Which old friend will you hug?  Keep going :)