Monday, April 30, 2012

What is a Stranger?

Is a stranger someone that you do not know?  Is a stranger someone that you know and they are strange?  I think a lot of the time a stranger is someone that you think that you knew, and you suddenly discover that you did not know them at all.....

And as you loose touch and time passes and you have time to reflect, you feel that you now know that person better than ever before.  Is that good or bad?  Both I think.  The parts that you actually did know very well haunt you.  The parts that you know now aggravate and confound you.  (is that a word?...lol)

It is hard to let someone go especially when other things are becoming so interesting...and you want to talk about it...so maybe I will just talk here. :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Off Line Until May 15th

I will be away until May 15th......not for medical reasons...for fun and work!  :)  This is great time to read from the beginning....then you get the "whole" story....talk with you in May!  Read On! Thanks!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Transitions In Time II

Sometimes life just smacks you in the face...and then it all starts changing...everything...sometimes you are aware and sometimes not.  What do you get to take with you...what will you leave behind...what will be new...what will you discover.  What will you cry over both good cries and the cries of painful separation in order to welcome so many good parts of your life that are coming...and waiting for you... to just open the door.

Just open the door and let it all in ...the people...the learning...the light...and enjoy the time of brightness and hope for the best...even going through cancer things like this happen.  Sometimes you can just feel it coming.

Scans are coming the end of May ...as they do every three months....for the last almost 11 years..No interruptions please...no interruptions....I am enduring a bit of emotional pain however I am having so much fun watching so many different parts of my life unfold at the moment.

Practice living everyday...find joy in the smallest of moments...surround yourself with fabulous people...keep going as best that you can.  Just keep going...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Dedicated to Sam

This post is dedicated to Sam...I am not using her real name to protect her privacy.  I love you Sam.  Sam is in hospice and decided to have no further treatments.  She has decided to have a huge quality of life before she leaves this earth.  She has tried everything to stay here with courage, grace and wisdom.  She is one of my heroes in the fight against this F'in disease.  I have had and lost many heroes over these almost 11 years.
I am amazed and honored to have known each and every one of them living and dead.  I am only here typing all of these years because of them.  I hope to honor those folks that have helped me.

Death is worse for those left here....for those so ill, it is a release from suffering.  We here in America have looked at death as something to run away from and hide...all of us will die someday...instead of running from someone who is ill....run to them and enjoy them before they leave.  You will be a richer person for that.

I am not anywhere near that part of life....I imagine even if it is a million years from now...I will be calling people up and asking them to come say good bye....I know in avoidance of a situation there is guilt...I know in acceptance and forgiveness there is love and peace.

Please do not ever avoid someone in illness...face them and yourself.  Say goodbye...hold their hand.  You will feel better in the long run.  Love you Sam!




Saturday, April 21, 2012

More on Kids and Cancer

I know that I have ADD...lol...just jumping around a lot today...I have twin daughters 22 years old.  They not only witnessed my illness on and off all of these years...their Dad passed away just shy of their 17th birthdays.  Their well being has been uppermost in my mind all of these years.  They are doing very, very, well.

However I am always aware that they are watching me...your kids are watching you ...all of the time.  I have only been honest with them all of these years and what I have said depends upon their age at the time.  They are older now thank heaven.  This has been a relief to me that I am still here and going strong.

Lately I have had my teary moments..I have had to explain where the tears are coming from and why.  I always let them know that I am a little crazy maybe right now....but I will be back...I always come back and stronger for it...It is ok for your kids to see you upset ....as long as you make your way back....take the time to make your way back...however long it takes..however healthy way you do it.

Kids need to learn that expressing deep emotion is just fine...It is a positive thing for them to see you work your way back to that place of peace....no matter how long it takes....even if it is not so peaceful :).

The other side is that some where along the way even your kids forget who you still are and were before cancer.  We may feel that with other folks as well..unfortunately it's up to us to remind them all the time...by just  moving forward everyday in the best way possible.  Just keep moving forward.






Insurance Phone Calls Continued

When you finally get the person on the phone.....and you have written down their ID info...state the exact reason for the call...Also remember you always get more with honey than with vinegar...no need to be rude...just nicely assertive

You need  to explain why are you only paying a portion of this particular bill.  I usually just ask for a supervisor right way because at this point after 11 years of doing this I just do not have time to waste...and they usually know what is going on.  The problem with the system as well is that you can never call the same person back.  It is a call center.  There is no relationship with anyone that is established so anytime you call ...you are starting all over again.  That is what makes this system crazy as well.  That is why the value of one call is so important.  It could save you hours in calls by knowing what to say.

You might want to write yourself a little script in advance if you are not used to doing this.  Scripts always help and I have done this myself with great results.

You need to explain why you are only paying a portion of this bill.  I need the particulars of my plan as it relates to this bill.  I also need to write down the insurance codes used and if they are appropriate to this particular bill...if the person can not properly explain then get another person on the phone at that time...do not hang up in frustration....you will get the correct info from someone even if it takes two or three people to talk with.

If the codes and what they mean do not make sense then you have to contact the doctor's office and ask them why they used those codes and perhaps they might need to re bill the insurance office.  Our system is nuts.

This is just one example....if you have something that you want to talk about here, leave a comment or e mail me.




What is Therapy?

Recently I went back to therapy....and I am done for now.  I do feel better.  What the heck is therapy really?  What is the purpose of it and how is it helping you?  When is it time to stop? For me it was all about guidance...I did not have traumatic event...lol...I guess 11 years of cancer can be traumatic and several deaths in my family and the loss of someone that I really loved however...trauma to me is really like the Holocaust...War...no food, water....poverty...we could make a whole list..It was hard to admit that my event was traumatic to me...it is...even if it wasn't to anyone else.

I think therapy is fabulous...if you find the right person...that is key.  Look for the person that is not judging you and willing to listen.  They need to be honest.. even if they are telling things that you do not want to hear in order to heal.  I am not there yet however I am getting there.  I just hope cancer stays away long enough for me to take advantage of all of this mental work that I am doing.  It is exhausting.  It is nice though to pay someone to hear you cry and know that they must listen...that has been great...you really can't cry like that in front of your friends...they are not used to it and do not know how to process it.

In my session we did a lot of role playing and I got to scream...I am not done with all of that yet however now I have been given the tools to move forward and I feel good about that...even when a bit of sadness creeps back in...I will get there through the gentle and not so gentle passage of time.  Time does not heal all wounds however time can put things in a different perspective?  I hope so. I know so.

Ok...I promise ...back to insurance stuff.




The Power of Intention

I have a friend.  She wrote a book called "Selling With Intention".  It occurred to me that I have lived a large portion of my life without real intention...even going through cancer.  Intention is always having a goal whether it be in your personal life and/or business and most important....following through.  Being confident, having purpose...giving real meaning to whatever you are doing.  Only when you have real intention can you make things happen and find peace.

If there is no real intention in your relationships...then they really do not exist.  If there are no goals to reach for..no mountains to climb...then it is just there and even if it is filled with love, that love will someday melt away and possibly disappear.  All relationships must have a certain amount of intention...especially with those closest to you.  I am slowly learning in my semi old age of almost 55...what all of this really means.

How does this relate to getting through cancer?  Lots..:)...In your emotional ups and downs ....just like a business...try and get well...be well with intention.  As I have stated before...write down a plan for wellness and follow through...

Have goals everyday whether it is taking a walk...changing your diet...or just smiling in chemo therapy...write it down and follow through.  Talk about it with others....

My plan for today is.....and if you say it out loud...remember...then you are accountable and have to follow through...everyday little goals add up to big accomplishments.   Do what you can everyday to have the best life.

Live with true intention.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Art of Negotiation II/Making the Calls

Ok... you have your medical bills matched with your insurance bills.  What is your goal in this phone call?  Lets say for this call ...it is the insurance company that you are calling.  If this is new to you, have your pad and pen handy.

You are going to write down the exact day and time of your call.  You are going to keep an organized log for when they screw up...  you will take notes....so you have a record and proof...they will most likely screw up because they are not trained very well.  They are trained to put you off and give you as little info as possible. Remember the phone call are always recorded....be happy about that.  It is also your proof of the conversation.  That is why saying the right things are so important. Recorded calls are wonderful to help you in the future.  You will also write down that person's id number....funny...they do not give their last names...just first names and ID number.

I am going to back track a little remember that each doctor bill has an insurance code...this is how the insurance company bills you.  Sometimes by just changing the codes on the bill you can save thousands of dollars....the doctor's office has to do that.  

Always check the codes used as as well as the itemized bill because sometimes they are just wrong :)....next blog we are on the phone.








Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Amnesia

My definition of amnesia is an event, person...whatever that you should have a memory of...but you do not.  Why can't I just remember what I choose to and throw out the rest?

Our senses...they can torture us.  Remembering a taste,smell, touch..hearing a voice when there is none...seeing someone when they are not standing there.  Our minds are the greatest source of pleasure and pain.

Like a Chinese water torture ...drip...drip...drip...and then a flood.

This is key of you are lacking in amnesia.

Try selective memories.  Try and select memories that will give you joy and peace.

When a bad memory flows in allow the sadness and then just kick it out.  Replace it with a memory that you can handle.  Dream of something wonderful.  Do some creative visualization.

Everything in life is learned and takes practice.  Practice with me. :)


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Grief...Good Grief...Enough Already

I will be continuing to insurance blog in a few days....I know grief is something that you have to work through...I am just not very good at it.  I can 't seem to stop crying from time to time...I do not mind telling you all because we are all survivors.  I am not crying over a death thank heaven...just someone that walked away rather suddenly...I just was not prepared...or can you ever prepare.

I am not into replacing people...some people are irreplaceable. This person seems irreplaceable.  Maybe I will be lucky someday and someone else will shock me and walk into my life.  I am not sure about that anymore.

I understand grief and I will work through it...I just do not like it when certain thoughts pop into my head and I can't stop them...they flow like a meandering river ...and all of my senses are right there.  I can feel it, see it...hear it.

This is when I hate cancer the most...when it invades my life and seems to rob me of precious time and people.

Even when I am doing well...the surprises keep coming...some will be quite fabulous I know.  I am ready for fabulous!





Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Art of Negotiation 1

I am from New York...:)...and I grew up with very sarcastic Dad that talked to everyone, anytime, anywhere...and I benefited from watching him. I learned that everything is negotiable....as long as you are telling the truth...and I do ...bluntly ...however in a nice way...all of the time.

So ...you have organized your medical bills...and I know they never stop so keep organizing as you go along.....you are now matching the insurance paperwork with that particular bill and you are seeing that you owe money for whatever...pathology....radiology...your doctors....the hospital.

This is one of the most frustrating areas of having an illness...those 5 hour phone calls to either the insurance company or the place that sent you the bill.  If you are too ill or not good on the phone, get help with this....a friend ...a family member...as stated in a prior blog...sometimes a trained patient advocate.  I know from personal experience that it can take 2, 3, sometimes 4 phone calls to get the right person on the phone and get the job done.

Before making the calls...have someone help you understand your medical insurance if you do not...because guess what?  The person that you call may not understand their information either.  I can not tell you how many times that I have called a medical insurance company when I have had to explain to them how their policy works. Calling the hospital can be crazy as well.  If you have an idiot on the phone...get a supervisor...they are back there...they just make believe that they are not :).  The supervisor does not really want to speak to you.  You have to ask....more on that later.

Also...always get an itemized hospital bill,,,itemize everything actually.  You not only need to see that the services are correct...it is also part of your negotiation tools.  Emergency room bills are known for being wrong most of the time.

Next blog we will learn how to make a call   :).

Treatment Circle...III...Money/Organization

Money....Money....Money...why am I saying this word so much...because most people when they become ill are really petrified of thinking about money...and it does not matter if you are rich...poor..or in the middle...you will be afraid of loosing it and the implications regarding that.  So lets take a moment regarding just the subject of money and being organized about it.

Get a piece of paper and sit down to write a plan...you have to have a plan because illness is a shocking event and most people do not plan properly at all....for whatever reason...I do not care what the reason...you can have a plan regardless of your income level...and when you have a plan it will make you feel better....and your family as well.

So let's get started....Get a loose leaf binder or if you have a scanner use your computer...just please back everything up.   As you get those medical bills organize them in your binder because at some point you will match the bill with the insurance paperwork that comes along.  You must be organized..things will pile up...do it the minute you get the bill...

When you are sick...paperwork can pile up in a second...keep the flow going..if you are too ill have someone do this for you...have an organizer in your "circle". Being organized and knowing where things are can give you a sense of control and help you to feel better when the rest of your life is in chaos.

Next blog is about what to do after you get those bills and insurance paperwork!


Friday, April 13, 2012

Surviving with Style

I hate cancer...once again....I hate cancer.  I am not happy that I got it...I was already a nice person.  I smelled the roses...stared at the moon...and always loved being alive.  I have always been thankful, humble and full of life.  Cancer sucks.  It altered my life in a way that nothing else could have...because I have been doing "this" for almost 11 years.

I have trouble remembering my life when leiomyosarcoma was not a part of it.  I look at pictures of myself not necessarily envying that younger person...just the person that lived without cancer.  Who is she and how can I get her back.  I can't.

I blame cancer for many things...having to sell my house...sometimes financially scrambling...aging before my time....making my kids worry...and worry more...and worry more...enduring crazy physical stuff that I could never imagine going through until my old age or at all....maybe even my dear person just walking away from me.  I am still working through this one.....

So....we must find reasons to love being alive even in the physical and mental craziness of cancer or whatever long term illness that you have....why do you want to be here?

My kids are here.  That is the biggest reason...what else...that I might get to help someone else survive...that in life there are always possibilities.  That as long as I talk, think, walk, laugh, etc. who knows what the future  will be ...maybe ...just maybe I am not done with the biggest part of my life.

I am not done....people say they admire me...sometimes it is hard to accept that.  Why should you be admired just because you are surviving cancer.   And then one day my friend explained it to me...she said,"Amy...it is not that you survived cancer...it is how you are doing it...everyday working...fighting to enjoy another day everyday".  I am trying to remember that on those days when I just can't stand it anymore.

Right now I am the cat and cancer is the mouse...I am on the chase and winning for the moment...that moment needs to be a long time.
















Reasons to Celebrate

1.  Trying to blow your hair with a regular brush or even a tooth brush...
2.  Trying to put your key in the keyless entry and wondering why it does not work...or fit
3.  Where did I park my car?
4.  Not remembering one of your best friend's last name
5.  Going on the computer to send an e mail and the shutting down without ever sending that e mail
6.  Having to review three or four times each blog entry to. make sure that I actually wrote in English
7.  Still knowing someone that is still alive ...living with sarcoma...that has lived longer than you.
8.  Knowing that since I was first diagnosed in 2001...there are so many more drugs for people to try that may
     prolong and/or save lives.
9.  That I am still here and my girls are 22 years old   :)

11....What number am I on?   :)

More than three followers on my blog passed away a long time ago.  I miss them.  I will never remove them...I read their blogs.  They are so beautiful and filled with life.  So happy that I still get to type.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Uncontrollable Emotion

Cancer patient or not...once in awhile  You just can not control your sadness, anger, grief,,,whatever and it is unexpected as well...and you just can't stop it.  And the thoughts start rolling through your mind and your heart just aches for so many reasons.

Screaming in your car just does not do it. And suddenly you realize...what the hell?  Let it all come out...you have to let it out...your not sleeping as well...your not hungry...who cares?  Because you know that one day...it may take awhile...that things will get better....maybe not better...but different.

I hate surprise grief...I was blindsided by a situation that I did not see coming and it felt like a death.  I did not know that I had it in me...It was bigger than cancer...I did not know it was there.  I wish someone would have told me....I would have prepared myself a little more...:)...there is no prep for this.

So...I am all done grieving..for now...:)...I am going to listen to positive CD's...and do lots of things....doing is better than thinking...I am all done thinking...

When a memory pops into my head I will throw it out until one day that I can enjoy it and not be sad.   I have scans the end of May and I have no time to dwell...none.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Your Cancer Treatment Circle II

Hi Everyone.  Take a piece of paper.  You are the center of your world.  Draw a big circle around you.  We are going to make a pie...one piece are the physical aspects of cancer...one piece are the mental aspects...another piece are the money/financial/insurance aspects...next piece caregivers, friends etc...next piece, doctors/nurses....next piece social worker/psychological support...these are all the things to be organized.  Maybe you should not do this alone.

If you have another piece of the pie...please let me know...we will go through them.

I'm Sorry

I am sorry today.  I have been home 2 days from the hospital from my craziest surgery yet and I am feeling sorry.  I am sorry for so many things.  I am sorry I ever got this crazy disease.  I am sorry that I am not stronger physically right now. I am sorry that I can't eat!

I am sorry that I do not feel excited and thrilled. Many people are yelling yay you are cancer free...but let's be real..I have been doing this for over ten years.  I am praying for a few great years. This disease sucks!

This was a post that was in draft for quite sometime....I thought it important to publish...I have no need to further explain it... :)....

How to Fill a Void In Your Life

I am off topic for bit...you know how it is when you suddenly think of something and you must write about it before it leaves your brain and you can not remember it!

What is a void and how do you fill it?  Is a void something you had and suddenly it is gone.  Is a void something that you have never had?  In both cases you feel incomplete, sad, maybe even depressed?  In some cases do you even know what you are missing?  Is it worse to know exactly what you are missing as opposed to not knowing?  Am I confusing the hell out of you?  I am confused myself!   I do know that everyone has had this feeling at some point in their lives.

How do you fill or deal with a void in your life?  Does it ever go away?  Can you change your feelings toward it?  I had a friend say to me that he did not know how to fill a void in his life.  I do not think a particular void ever gets "filled".  I just think that time passes and new things come into your life.  That void may melt away..... even if from time to time you may think of that person.  Just the passage of enough time can possibly change a void.

There are different types of voids.  Some are from death...those never heal.  Some are due to illness or the break up of a couple.  Sometimes they come from anger among family members or friends.  It could be financial as well...the loss of a home...the basic structure of your life....anything..

So what can you do about a void?  I think filling a void is a constant mind set.  It is about accepting those feelings and continuing to move on anyway.  It's like closure...maybe there is none however you are still here and you can still have a life.....a very beautiful one.  You have to think that.  You have to do more than think it.

You have to do it.




Sunday, April 8, 2012

Treatment Circle 1...is You First

My new concept ...not new at all...just a different name...Your treatment circle....those involved in your care whoever they might be... mental or physical.

The first person in your circle is YOU.  Even in illness you are still the captain of your ship with the best advisers to help get you through the storm and celebrate your victories.  We will talk about advisers in another blog.  This one is just about you.  It is a complicated process.

Even in illness people will always react to you.  How do you care for yourself?  Let's talk a little about your body first.  Your body gets a lot of negative touching in cancer...needles...lots of needles...surgeries..blood transfusions...stomach issues.. it can seem like your body becomes the enemy...the list is endless...

You have to remember to do good things for your body...sounds crazy however it helps.  You need to be touched in a great way.  After a surgery and I am healed I always get a massage.   Acupuncture helps as well. Swim. Hug lots of people for a long time.  Get a manicure...meditate..have sex if you can :)...I am serious...

Learn Tai Chi...or Chi Gong...couples touch yoga...they now have laugh yoga...Do something where your body is really treated in a positive way.  The other day I had access bars ...23 points on your head that is touched a certain way to create positive energy.  It felt fabulous.  Do these things before, during, and after surgery/chemo if you can.

Your body is your temple...even when you are not doing so well.  Always remember that you ...are still you and you deserve all of the fabulous things in illness as well as in health :).  Have your body touched in a positive way...even if it is just someone holding your hand.

Next blog is about mental stuff...not sure there is enough space for that...:)


Does Your Doctor Always Tell You the Truth?

There was an interesting article today about what your doctor should and should not tell you during your illness and possible death.  Here is my take on the whole thing. I always want the truth.  Then I know how to deal with everything....even if I do not.  I can learn.

I have said this many times...having an illness for a long time becomes a job...your new job...and the better you can do this ...the better you will feel.  You can have the most fabulous doctor ( I do) however all of them are just people and sometimes they may not tell you the whole story...so you have to tell them.

Always get copies of your medical records, scan reports, etc....everything.  If you can not do it ....get someone to do it for you.  Be pro active in your illness...not a victim...you can still go crazy and be pro active...ask questions...as many as you like...bring a pad and pen...write your questions and answers down...read all of your scan reports.......

Research your illness and find out what other people are doing to help themselves...find other people with the same illness as you...talk to to them...continue learning everyday.

Your doctor and nurse are not the only people in your treatment circle...you are there too...along with family...new and old friends...maybe a therapist...maybe group support...maybe a social worker ...who ever is there to support you.

Next blog is all about your real treatment circle of support.


Friday, April 6, 2012

I Know Me Too!

I had this little lump removed from my breast....and it is sarcoma...all good ...very little...it's gone...but what the hell does it all mean?  :)...It means exactly what it was and that is it...it's gone...however after knowing my surgeon for so very long I can see a little worry in his eyes...."See Dr Forscher?"  (esteemed sarcoma doc).."Doing anything"???  (meaning chemo..etc)  I reply, "No"..nothing to do right now...I have done it all...:)

So we watch and wait...next scans end of May...I can not say that I am just a wee bit scared!  As usual I will move forward as if nothing is around the corner...I have just had three surgeries since December 6th...I need nothing for a long time.

I can not stop what is coming however I have right now.  I am so aware of right now.  What a shame that I can not just stay right here...right now :)....but if I stay here I also know that I will miss some fabulous things as well.

So even if I am a bit scared...I will keep moving forward.

Thanks and I Have Whatever Brain!

I admit it!  I have lost a couple of my marbles.....I do not know how to count....I am almost at 10,000 views however I did not need a hundred....I needed a thousand....and thank God for GPS as well these days.  Thank you all for reading my posts...May you all have the best Passover, Easter, and whatever else you celebrate.  May it be joyful.

May your memories of the past keep you warm and not sad.  May the new memories you make today help to guide you into the future.  I will keep blogging as long as I can type...and think...:)..lol...

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Almost 55...yikes!

It's Spring....it's getting dark later...it's getting warm...and I am almost 55!  I know I am supposed to be happy about this!   I am!  I never felt weird about 50...I have no idea why 55 seems so old....I know it is not...

I was 44 years old when first diagnosed with retroperitoneal leiomyosarcoma on September 26, 2001.  Maybe I just can't believe that I am still here......I believe that ...I just can't believe that I have had over 11 cancer related surgeries, 4 chemo therapies, pelvic radiation...2 stomach ports, two chest ports, one pic line, and much other craziness.

Why am I saying this again...for all those reading for the first time or going through cancer for the first time...you can live well and thrive.  You can get through this time.  You can see your family grow up, change jobs, fall in and out of love, move, make new friends, explore the world...yes you can. Go crazy yourself and do not give up.

55...I have no idea what to do on my birthday...I am sure that I will think of something!  Maybe just click my heels in the air and thank God...all Gods :).




Letting You Go

I am not sure about publishing this as this is quite personal..lol....as if I was not very personal before...one of the very wise women that I have met recently said that if you state something to the public, you then become accountable for it....and then you have to do it...so here goes..

I am letting you go...if I have to walk miles, cry for hours,  remember everything that we have ever done together..process every great and not so great moment...I am letting you go.  I had to process that it is not my fault that you left...it's no one's.

  You can re arrange the spots your entire life however they really do not change.  You are just somebody that I used to know......hmmm

You forgot who I was along the way...you forgot how strong that I really am..you forgot that I might be here a long, long, time.  You just forgot so many things...or maybe on purpose to protect your feelings...I get that.  I forgot things about you...out of sight..out of details...out of time...but not out of mind....never out of mind.

I forgive you...I must forgive you or I will endure a host of crazy emotions...like anger...and sadness.  I want no more of that concerning you or at all....so I hope you have learned something from the years that we have shared.  I hope in your next relationship, you walk away in person....or maybe she will be "the one" where you stay.  I hope so for you.

Other folks.... in your cancer journey (I have none at the moment!)....I know all kinds of people have walked away because they do not have the capacity to deal with your situation...as I have said many times...for every one person that walks away...many will come running to you...let them come...

Lastly...what makes you feel good as well is to support others....learn how to support others...do not close up and hide in yourself....let your soul and your heart out.  It helps you immensely in your own journey.  It makes you feel good.  Lot's of love and peace today.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Divine Forgiveness

Since moving to Orange County last year I have met the most fabulous people.  How many times have you tried to really move on from the past and just love your life...even in cancer?  Even in whatever struggles that you happen to have at the moment?

I have been great at moving life forward in very difficult circumstances...however I think I forgot to remember (lol) how to really just love myself and my life no matter what is happening at the moment.  We tend to blame ourselves for so many things.  So join me in releasing myself really from the past and moving forward no matter what...fake it until you make it...accept what the hell is going on and just keep moving forward ...I know ...is she going nuts?  No ...I am not ...I have just decided to worry a little bit ....not think about what could or might have been....and concentrate on having the best months ever in my life...after all it is Spring...the time of re birth :)..........

Forgive yourself for whatever you think that you ever done... and lets have some fun....serious fun....

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dear Medical People

I need to say a few things...about my doctors, nurses, clinical partners, etc.  I have seen a lot in my 11 years of being a patient at Cedar Sinai Comprehensive Cancer Institute.  I think we as long time cancer patients see things a bit differently than those folks that Thank God do an illness once and never see it again. They may worry and wonder a lot ....and have gone through their own personal hell...however it ends and they never do it again.

For us as long term patients...the medical stuff never ends.  I have been MRIed every 3 months for the last 10 years...11 major surgeries....many chemos..pelvic radiation ..etc etc etc...I am not telling you this so you can tell me how wonderful I am ;0)...I am telling you this because without the folks at the Cancer Center I would not be here today....Dr Alan Silberman/Oncologist Surgeon....Dr Charles Forscher/Sarcoma Oncologist...Susan Lowenbraun/Director of the Nursing Program for Sarcoma...the nurses and the CNA's on the 8th floor where my hotel room is :)  and hope to not see anytime soon...Thanks!

To every person in every support group that I have encountered...alive and not alive...Thank You...to all the patients that I have helped...I learned how to help you from others ...I am not an original...you can learn too :)  Your doctor ..etc is worth more than any actor, singer, boxer, biker, if they are like mine.

I may not say it often enough...because I get so worried...I have known you all over a decade..Thank YOU!


Get Out of Your Head

We over think our entire lives.  We can not help it.  That is what our brains do.  However if you just think negative thoughts you will waste so much precious time.  And I am not one for the whole positive attitude all of the time because it is vital that we express our emotions throughout this process...whatever they are....

But eventually by whatever means you need to do this....you need to come back.  You need to come back to a place where you accept what is going on and remember to live...every single moment of every single day that you can.

I am so aware of the passage of time.  I am so aware that I might miss a few things.  I have already missed way too much....but never as much as I thought.  And I know so many fabulous things can still happen...if I let them :)