Sunday, September 25, 2011

Practice

I am getting asked to speak around town lately.  It is a mix of motivation and education.  The last time I spoke was in front of my peers.  They liked it so much they asked me to speak again in November.  It occurred to me that not only do I need to practice public speaking a lot more...I also need more practice not behaving like a sick person....a person with cancer.

I look normal...I walk..swim ...work...etc.  I am not in treatment or have a scheduled surgery...I am in no pain.  I have to practice being a normal person again..I have to stop thinking about cancer so much and concentrate on the present.  I have to practice being present.

People have issues with that anyway...When you live with tumors...I think it takes a little more practice. I am not being checked for another 8 weeks...around Thanksgiving...for the next 8 weeks I am not a person with cancer.  I am just me.  I will set my goals and have a great time.  I have not had a surgery since Feb 22nd...maybe I will make a year with no surgery???  Could it be???  My alter ego....the one who functions so well everyday...says..."you go girl"....."you can do this".....I am going to make that year of no medical treatment...It would be the longest time of no treatment that I will have had in 5 years...I am going to practice the no cancer thing until it is real....:)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Life

I have not felt like typing lately...I find my self frustrated with living and the thought of dying.  I love watching stories of overcoming adversity in case I do not get my own :).  I realize I have done that in many ways already however I fear that I might not really get there....get there....

Being able to stay healthy long enough to keep working and make some real money....being able to lay on a beach in Hawaii for a week and do nothing...and enjoy it.

The Hawaii part almost sounds unreachable...but reachable. :)  I want to scream..I want a year or two to grasp what is reachable...a little normal life...just for awhile...I am having so much fun lately.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Dash

I went to my friend's Mom's funeral the other day.  I never met my friend's mom however she must have been a fabulous person as family members discussed her joyous life in great detail.  One of the cousins said this and I really liked it....so I thought that I would pass it along.

Some of us someday will be buried and have a headstone at our grave.  Most of them have a birth date and a death date on them.  However there is also a dash in between those two numbers and it is way to small. 

The dash is the important part.  It is our lives.  It is everything in between that happens and it is way to small. (this is my part)

I am not going to be buried.  I am going to make my "dash" as big as possible.  I do not think it would fit on a headstone anyway.  It would be way too big :).  I do like the whole dash story though.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Your Last Lecture/Bucket List

It occurred to me that there should be no such thing as this actually....that you should be living your life as you would if it were the last months anyway.  Why wait till your days are numbered to have the best life.  We never really know when we are going.  It will be when we least expect. Go enjoy...go live...and plan no matter what is going. Whether it is short or long term planning...it is still a plan. :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I Wish I Were You

I have a great guy in my life for many years.  We have had our ups and downs...I just adore him.  He is little younger than me.  I was just thinking today how much I will miss growing old with him.  I am jealous and envious of the woman that he has not met yet.  I am jealous and envious of someone that I do not even know.

I am jealous that she will get to grow old with my boyfriend...that she will have many more years with him than I will.....  That she will benefit from all of the years of learning and practicing that we did to learn what it takes to make a committment and a great relationship.

On the other hand.  I would never want him to be alone for very long.  I would want him to have everything that we could not.  I would want him to continue to understand that life here is precious and to take advantage of every moment...even if it is not with me.

I wish I were you and I do not even know you :).

Monday, September 5, 2011

Schizophrenia and the Person that has Cancer

I hope I spelled that word right....the schizo one :)...and by the way..I am not a cancer patient anymore...I am a person that has cancer...you got it...I hate the word patient..as I have said previously..to be patient and living with cancer everyday..you must be nuts..never be patient...be assertive in a pleasant way...cancer can blindside you in a second...never be patient.  There needs to be a new word for somene in the hospital as well...patient..just does not cut it...I am accepting suggestions!   LOL

The schizo thing....I do not really have this by definition however there is the me that I present to the world and that fights this disease everyday and then there is the me that really deals with cancer on a daily basis...this is a positive as I feel it has helped me survive all of the happenings all of these years.  You may want to try it.

It may take some practice as I have been doing this for over 10 years...it works for me.  I also have this strange ability to forget passed medical happenings...Once it is done I try to file it as "done"...and I try not to think about it...

The only time I remember the worst "stuff" is when I know I am having another surgery...then I remember everything..and it makes me wish I could inhale a bottle of 90 proof vodka..:)

It has been difficult for me to type lately...I think that I have chemo/50's ADHD brain...who knows??