Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Catching Up

I am sorry to not type for so long.  I have not been in the mood for cancer.  I am heading into a big surgery on the 22nd..and I am still not in the mood :).  I still can not believe I am going...this will be my 10th surgery..in 9 years....plus all the chemos and radiation....

I have been so longing for a normal life ...I even went and had a conversation with a wonderful Rabbi...I say even because I have not had a real conversation with anyone religious in years.  I am not searching for God...I believe in God...I am searching for relief from illness...maybe there is none for me at this point.  I am not sure anymore.  I hope. I hope. And I hope some more.

I am lonely in illness even though I have many friends.  When I am about to have a surgery I feel like everything in my life just stands still.  It actually does.  Everything as you were doing it just stops.  Not in most cases...but in my case...how many tumors is this now...25???  Maybe 30? 

And there is no guarantee of time in all of this...none...so I will do like I always do...I walked 3 miles today :)
I ate a lot...trying to gain a few more pounds...and I will fight like hell for time...quality time...wonderful fabulous, healthy, time...clock ticking...hours passing, months counting, years building....TIME!