Tuesday, November 30, 2010

When/Where/Ready

When you have had cancer a long time ...and you need to pick a new line of defense..what do you do?  How do you make a plan when there is no right answer?  ...When everything you do is a crapshoot?...When your doctors are not sure what to do with you or even if they should do anything with you?  When nothing and everything feels right or wrong?....When the thought of next year at this time can seem questionable?...When you are still ready to fight...live ...and dream??

I am ready.  I am ready...to keep going ...to fight...the little vacation has been fun....UGH!!  More tomorrow...more explanation on everything.  This is my therapy..whether you read or not..but I am glad you do.  Thank You.

Playing With Fire & Update

I have had a lot of fun since August and a lot of aggravation. Let's talk about life in general first.  I went back to work and really enjoyed that.  It made me feel like a "normal" person again.  It made me pray that if I could just stay healthy enough...long enough, that I might get a life back...a new one...even living with a little cancer forever.  I could deal with that.

My kids are off at college and doing well enough. They worry about me all the time and rightly so.  I miss them and I am so proud of them.  I had dreamed of this time when I was healthy...thinking I would be healthy forever...that for the first time in years ALL my time would be my own.  I had such grandiose plans :)...Most of this time is now spent working and preparing for the next onslaught of chemo, surgery etc.  Its a crazy way to live.  ...But I am alive.

This is how I seem to live lately...a little free time here or there and then fighting the dragon.  I go to a lot of movies which is a great escape.  Except I saw "Love & Other Drugs" the other day.  I had no idea what it was about!!!  It is about two people who fall in love and she has Parkinson's...it also goes into the whole doctor and drug thing...it was a fabulous escape for the 2 hours :).  I made up for it by seeing fun.."Burlesque"

Leimyosarcoma seems to be attacking me lately with a vengence...I made it a year with no surgeries...think I will be having one soon and then doing chemo. I am not sure I will ever be free of this anymore.  I will continue to fight until I can not anymore.  A few years off would be nice.  So far it has been 9 years total..the last 4 years straight. 

So here we go ..back on the merry go round...I am going to fight ..take each day...I know not where I am going...2 steps forward ...1 step back....more details to follow.  I will continue to make plans for the future...as I always have.

I'm Back!

Many people have been asking why I stopped writing...I have to say, I do not know.  I think it is part fear that one day the words will just stop..not because I wanted to stop but because I was dead.  I think a lot about death lately.

I try and block these thoughts out ..but they flow into my brain like an uncontrolable flood. I also think about living quite a bit and what I might miss.  I think about the present as well.  I do still live very much in the present. I love being alive even thought there are so many issues.  My next blog will be an update.  If you have never read this blog before please start from the beginning...that is where all the good stuff is :)

My Best in this crazy fight!  More later today and everyday for the next month.