Sunday, August 22, 2010

Blogger's Block

I have so much on my mind....that I am stuck at the moment.  I am not sure whether to discuss the sad state of our healthcare system, me moving yet again...or the fact that I do not like living alone while I am being treated for cancer.  So today I am going to say nothing until mid week when I have a handle on my emotions.

I am very angry lately at this whole cancer thing.... I imagine my mood will change during the week...NOT!!!

I am thankful for my energy level..which is quite high at the moment....YAY!  I am thankful for my girls doing well in their respective cities and colleges..where did the summer go?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Goodbye Just For Now......

I am in Indianapolis until tomorrow.  I am dropping my daughter at college and then flying back to Los Angeles.  Normally this would not be so difficult as I have dropped her at other places and said goodbye for now.  I love where she is and I believe she will have one the best times in her life.

But this is diiferent than a normal goodbye because I have cancer and I never know what the next month, or year will bring.  Particularly lately this has been quite the battle (as you know if you have been reading this blog for awhile).

So this good bye is filled with wonder and worry as I do not know if this is the best time with this particular daughter that I will ever have.  However if you believe in God, sometimes along the way you get true gifts.   This trip was one of those as I am in the midst of chemo and did not know if I would be able to make it.  I have cancer surrounding my pancreas at the moment.  But I got this trip.  I ate everything, went everywhere, and had no pain.  My body and mind were working together.

I got the chance to schlep (to drag your self or things)  :)  in the 100 degree heat, her stuff up to her dorm with her.  We ran all over town...laughed, hugged and cried.  I got that moment of joy and pride that I was looking for.  I am petrifed that this is the best shape I will ever be in again.  But I got one more moment.

This was my true calm before that ever present storm of fighting cancer on an everyday basis for years. I am not going anywhere anytime soon.  I am just not :).

Monday, August 9, 2010

Off blog until After August 20th

Flying with kid to college....YAY!!!  Moving....Living.....Praying...doing chemo (pill form)...making believe I do not have cancer.....working....may be the drug will work....hoping....hoping...hoping....

Have a great August!!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Shocked......

This blog is dedicated to a friend I recently had a phone conversation with. She recently got diagnosed for the second time. I felt awful for her.  Cancer stinks because you do everything you and the docs think you should do.  You stay clean for awhile....maybe years.  Your hair grows back.  You go back to your regular (or irregular :) ) life....and then bam!  It's back.

We discussed the shock and surprise of cancer returning.  We did not make it to the hurt, anger, and fear.  I told her after nine years I am still the same way.  Each and every time this disease has gone to a new place and I do something new medically, I am shocked.  I never expect it.  I always think I am going to be ok.

I liked what she said at the end of our conversation.  She said we feel that way because we expect to live a long time and move on with our lives.  We are doing just that...even during the time we have cancer.  We are always living even in the midst of chaos.  She is my kind of gal :).

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Looking

There are some people in your life that you can not get enough of.  You want to look at them forever.  You see them in so many different ways....when they were younger and you try to imagine them when they are older.  They are so beautiful...no matter what they look like...precious..

They are like a huge fabulously decorated drink on a hot summer's day.  You want to sip a little at a time so your drink never runs out...because you are so very thirsty....and the heat is just going to continue....the drink is just about the only thing that you really enjoy at the moment.

You can hug those people forever..literally...and never let go.

Monday, August 2, 2010

My Favorite Time of Day

My favorite time of day is first thing in the morning.  That split second I open my eyes...I do not yet remember that I have cancer.  For that second I remember what it was like to just wake up for the day. 

I like the night as well.  Late at night when time seems to stand still.  I am reading a book or watching TV...and I am not thinking of anything much.  Its quiet and everything seems ok...even though it is not.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

You suck...you have struck again..right when I have to take my daughter to college...right when the momentum is picking up at my business...right when I am starting to make money again...right when I thought I might...might ...just get a life again.  Right when I just started to put you in the back of my mind.  But I guess you did not like it there.  You suck.

So...what will it be this time..little chemo...little surgery..this battle is much longer than I thought it would be.  9 years is a long time.  I was 44 when we first met.  I did not like you then and I do not like you now.  I was so healthy and yet I had a feeling you were there because I was just so tired and my stomach was so bloated.

When I was in my 30's I never thought in million years my life would be like this in my 50's.  I am not sure how and why the dice rolls this way...I am not looking for an answer.  I am just looking for a break from cancer.  I can do the rest myself :).

Our Body Parts

When you are healthy, you look at your body as a whole. When you have cancer all of sudden your body and it's parts get broken up into pieces. 

For example..since cancer has invaded my pancreas..I now think of everything in terms of my pancreas..it's almost like the rest of my body does not exist.  I stopped drinking coffee two days ago just for my pancreas.  I read that coffee helps to dehydrate the body.  Your pancreas hydrates the body and I did not want to over work my already compromised pancreas..so bye bye coffee.  I do love coffee and I had the most huge headache from caffiene withdrawal..but it was worth it for my pancreas.

I have also changed my entire diet in the last few days...all for my pancreas.  I am now eating an alkaline based diet because my pancreas does not like anything acidic...yes..I am nuts...by the way ...almonds are great...they are alkaline..peanuts are not..they are acidic. :)

Now I feel better starting chemo...my body is well hydrated and on its way to be alkaline based.  I actually did do this stuff..no joke...although I am having fun typing it.

I very glad leiomyosarcoma has not traveled to my feet..not sure what I could do there...get a $20 special massage at the mall?  By special foot creams??  Get a pedicure???

I hope my pancreas hangs in there so I can drink coffee again :)